Monday, October 19, 2009

Perfumed chaos and the lack of middles

I am a wreck.

I am so on top of things for my leaving-the-country move that it is driving me insane. I tried to pay a parking ticket too early, before the city of Denver even put the citation number into their database. Then I tried to pay it again, and again, for a total of three times, and it is still not there.

The problem with this is that there is no middle ground for me. I am either on top of things, or I am not. I can either pay this ticket now, or when I come back from Spain I will owe the city of Denver enough money to build some new high-tech infrastructure.

I was talking to my sister Kristi about this when I went to Hawaii for her wedding a few weeks ago. There are people who are good at beginnings (starting projects, maybe not so good at follow-through) and those who are good at endings (final pushes, the procrastinators who do their best work at midnight before deadline). And everything in between, every combination therein. Some are good at all (Obama? maybe?).

I am a beginning and ending person. I've seen this in myself in all aspects of life, even in chess games. I am really great at opening and end-game, but in the middle I become so confused and lose my queen.

And now I am acting like I am moving out tomorrow. There are a lot of things going on for me — loneliness, anxiety, fear of the unknown, appetite issues, mild depression, fear of nighttime — but I don't want to sit with my emotions right now because they are too pointy. I am trying to outrun them by remaining chaotically busy.

What I do know is that when I come back to the states, all of my best clothes are going to smell like Glad Forceflex perfumed garbage bags (the label said "odor eliminating," not "odor infusing"), for better or worse. And in two weeks — I won't be thinking about this at all until I return, whenever that may be.

I just need to breathe some Spanish air. Now.


  1. Good luck, Amy! It'll be great, and you'll be there soon enough.

    I think I'm some combination of all. I'm really good at starting (I laughed at your parking ticket situation because that's totally something I'd do). I'm okay for moments at a time in the middle. And endings...well, I struggle and then find my wind and somehow pull it off.

    It all works out as it needs to.

  2. I was missing your posts. I woke up this morning thinking, Okay I know she's moving and busy but I miss her writing. So glad to see it.

    Moving sends me out of my body. It's as if all the emotions, all the lists, all the preparation is too much.

    Much love in your process

  3. @talesfrommidair - It definitely does. :)

    @Megan - I'm glad you enjoy my writing! I feel better today, probably because I haven't done any packing yet to make my mind as cluttery as my apartment. Thank you for your comment and love.